Me nah tell nuh lie, me want a man. Specifically, my husband. I am so ready fi him!
OK, give me a moment, let me calm down here. Deep breath in, and exhale. Alright, ready.
Technically, I’ve been single for three years now but in reality, I’ve been single for far longer than that. In all that time, I’ve never been lonely. In fact, I honestly cannot remember a time in my life when I’ve been lonely. I suppose it’s a part of having the gift of being a happy wanderer. No matter where I am, I’m perfectly fine with only myself for company. Sure, sometimes I want to share my adventures with someone but it doesn’t make me feel sad when I have no-one to share them with. And it sure doesn’t stop me from continuing to have them.
You see, my problem isn’t loneliness; I don’t feel sad because of a lack of people in my life. In fact, I rarely feel sad about anything at all. No, my problem is a lack of intimacy in my life. Slow your roll there, Skippy, I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about the intimacy of sharing my life with someone who knows me as well as I know myself and who I also know through and through…as well as one human being can know another human being because we all go off the rails sometimes, just saying.
There’s an intimacy that comes with lying in bed with someone, discussing the day just ended, future plans, or an issue that needs to be resolved. There’s an intimacy that comes with calling each other just to check that the day is going well. There’s an intimacy that comes with safely sharing the darkest corners of your heart with someone (I did that once with someone I was supposed to be able to trust and they accused me of being mentally ill, true story; didn’t make that mistake with them again). And whether we like it or not, there’s an intimacy that comes with using the bathroom in front of a person, baring our most hated physical feature to them or, for us Black women, doing our nightly hair routine in front of them. I have none of that and I really want it.
As I see it, this kind of intimacy gets deeper the more receptive and vulnerable the partners allow themselves to be because, as each person’s deepest failings and fears show themselves in this kind of relationship and they’re accepted despite those fears and failings, then they each feel safe in showing more of their vulnerability. They end up going deeper still and becoming more and more intimate.
To be honest, I think I have a sort of one-sided pseudo-intimacy going on in my current life. It happens right here, in this blog. There’s not much that I don’t share here because when I write I put most of my stuff out there, including some not-so-pretty things for which I could very easily be judged. But I still put it out because this is the real me and I’m not trying to ever go back to living a life with even a hint of fakeness. However, this intimacy flows one way. I put my vulnerabilities out but what I receive in return is not vulnerability too; it’s advice, encouragement and commiseration. This does not an intimate relationship make.
Please, please understand me! I’m not asking anyone to start sending me messages baring their soul, unless you really want to. I’m just saying that my life lacks the mutual intimacy that I desire and that I can’t have with just anyone. The person I want it with is not my blog readers, but the husband that God is taking His sweet time in sending my way.
There are times when I’m lying in bed at night, at the end of the kind of day when I wish there was someone to physically hold me safe and tight while I talk about it all and maybe cry a little, when I wonder if I’m looking for something outside of God. He’s my everything so shouldn’t I be content with it being just Him and me forever? Or could it be that He knows I’m actually not ready for my husband even though I believe I am? I mean, am I doing or not doing something to hinder God bringing him into my life?
I can answer these questions. First, God created marriage because He saw our need for companionship so I’m pretty sure there’s nothing wrong with me wanting it. Second, God will never give me what I want because I’m finally good enough to get it. I’ll never be good enough for any gift he has for me, every one of which comes only because of His grace.
Having said that, I’m still honestly saying too that I really, really want God to hurry up and bring my hubs and me together. But I also know that He works in His timing, which is always best. So every time I feel that desire, I pray it out and hand it over to God. What else am I going to do? He’s my Provider, after all, and every good gift comes from Him.
Put it in writing, because it is not yet time for it to come true. But the time is coming quickly, and what I show you will come true. It may seem slow in coming, but wait for it; it will certainly take place, and it will not be delayed. Habakkuk 2:3 (GNT)
Including my long-awaited husband.