I’m a little bit sick of myself, to tell you the truth.
I’m so self-centered. I mean, I think about myself way too much. Actually, this isn’t really surprising when you think about it. I figure it’s a hazard of being single with no dependents, being on my own in a land far away from my loved ones, and being human. Most of my thoughts are about me. Me, me, me, me, me! And now I’m kind of sick of myself.
I have to do this. I want that. Am I doing this or that right? When is this going to happen for me? I want to go here. I’ve never been there. I like that person. This person isn’t helping me enough. That person is so disrespectful to me. My life is so hard. My life is great. I can’t stand this. I don’t like that. People aren’t paying attention to me. Waah, waah, waah! Shut up already! Ugh!
See what I mean? Sick of myself. Thinking about me too much.
But at no time have I felt as sick of myself as I did yesterday. It was a really busy day that started early. I got up and FaceTimed with my aunt and cousin while I sipped my daily cup of coffee, then I taught a couple of classes, then I jumped on a Go-Jek to go run an errand (yes, I do that now, run errands, tee hee! You don’t run errands when you’re a tourist, only when you really live somewhere). I got my business done, then I jumped on another Go-Jek to come back to the centre to do some administrative work and get ready for my afternoon and evening classes. It was while I was on that second Go-Jek, on my way back, that a thought hit me then stayed with me for the rest of the day. It’s what started me feeling a little bit sick of myself.
Remember how I told you about my whiny time a couple of weeks ago? Well, God used a few people to talk to me about that over the last few days, and He’s given me an even sharper perspective on the selfish, self-centered road I took myself down.
There are people out there, young and old alike, who are dying of cancer and other illnesses. There are people out there who are living with incurable diseases who may not wake up tomorrow. There are people out there who are dealing with grief, whose loved ones have died suddenly or not so suddenly, leaving them with an unfillable void. There are people out there who are living with severely limiting disabilities or injuries. There are people out there who are on the brink of financial ruin, with a family to think about and no idea how they’re going to get out of the mess that they’re in. There are people out there who are unemployed and don’t know where their next paycheque is coming from. There are people out there who are addicted to destructive things that are ruining their lives but they just can’t seem to stop. There are people out there whose marriages are falling apart. There are people out there who are estranged from their loved ones, with no clue as to how to bridge the yawning chasm between them. There are people out there who have truly been abandoned by those who are supposed to love them the most, whose mothers or fathers have turned around and walked away without a backward glance.
There are people out there who are dealing with real problems. My few bad days are of no consequence. They don’t even begin to compare with what so many people are going through. That’s not to say that I am diminishing or dismissing my feelings, because I’m not. I’m just putting them into the right perspective so that the next time I’m tempted to even dip my big toe into the lake of self-pity, I will hopefully think twice and pull it back quick and fast.
You see, because of my self-centered human nature, my problems always seem to be the biggest, most important thing at any given moment. It’s like the world should stop spinning until I get what I want. And to be perfectly honest, I may be uncomfortable sometimes, but my struggle isn’t real, not even a little bit; it’s mostly in my mental attitude.
So, ya, yesterday when I thought about it all and really got a sharper perspective on it, I was a little bit sick of myself. But hope springs eternal and, with God’s help, I’m going to do my best to learn to think about others more and myself less.
Maybe that’s what He was trying to teach me all along.